Life’s Currency, Trust. (Who and when to trust…)

Trust is the fuel by which we live life. Without trust we simply cannot function. We trust our parents to nurture us, we trust our leaders to teach and guide us, we trust our spouse will love us, we trust our job will be there the next day, we trust that we will have the means to sustain a roof over our head and food on the table, we trust our mode of transportation will get us to where we need to go. Trust is the currency that drives every aspect of life and relationship. It is the element that undergirds every human endeavor and binds together every relationship. Without the ability to trust we come to doubt others and isolate ourselves. If we reach a state of chronic distrust, it can affect how we view ourselves and our relationships. It can come to manifest itself as ongoing false accusations, make us overly suspicious, stir anxiety, provoke fear, cultivate needy behavior, etc.

We all have a need to trust in order to function. Life is not meant to be done alone. Galatians 6:2 reads, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.” In other words, we are called to help one another alleviate the weight that life’s trials and tribulations inevitably inflict on each one of us. But how do we trust one another enough to share the burdens in this world pleathered with so many letdowns? It is simple, we must trust to live a mentally, spiritually, and emotionally healthy balanced life.

Welcome back to my blog. I want to share an experience and some lessons with you that I pray opens the eye of your heart. My hope is that it encourages and empowers you to give trust another chance if you have been jaded. I will teach you how to discern when and who to trust in life.

I once had a coachee who shared some of his own deep-seeded issues with trust, stemming from his infancy. His experiences will break your heart but will also serve to pour a foundation of trust. Let’s call him Andy.

Andy was abandoned at birth. He bounced around to countless foster homes. By the age of 5 he had been violated by teachers and caretakers. When he thought he had overcome the worst days of his life and found someone to build a life with and have children with, he was abused by her instead. He was rejected by his children; they were used as pawns. He suffered much betrayal by his so-called friends. He could not hold down a job, he began to suffer from chronic trust issues, and he kept getting fired. I can go on, but you get the picture. It is fair to say he was served a tall drink of mistrust on the rocks. One day, Andy met a man, a therapist (let’s call him Carlos) that took him under his wing, poured more than therapy, he poured love on Andy. Together, they worked through the pain, it took many years, but he found much healing and consequently was referred to me by Carlos. When I asked Andy what I could do for him, he told me, “Counseling has served to help me work through all life dealt me, some forced upon me and others I brought unto myself, through my own choices, and I don’t want to make these mistakes again. Help me learn trust so I can go on to take my life back and help others.” I was blown away by such a mature realization. I took him on, and we started what seemed like a journey of a thousand miles. Together we built a bridge between where he was in life - I got to learn so much about him, what he had experienced in life, where he was, and what he envisioned for himself- where he wanted to be. We talked through the bumps in the road, the obstacles and challenges we knew he would inevitably hit, and we came up with a strategy on navigating through each one. His journey was bumpy but with each turn the road got smoother, we worked through navigating through some of the rough terrain. After his commitment to counseling and life coaching, I am happy to report he is thriving today. Andy has a beautiful wife, amazing children back in his life, and is leaning into his testimony to help others find the same beacon of hope.

I came to learn that the trust Andy placed in people was based on their title, role, and/or DNA. This is no different from how most of us function, we expect to be able to trust those close to us rather than trusting ourselves to master the power behind and tenets of trust. The tenets of trust are: (1) Understanding; (2) Character; (3) Ability; (4) Motivation; and (5) Track record. It is crucial to come to strengthen and flex these muscles of discerning who to trust so we can come to avoid, as much as possible, harmful people and situations.

When I asked Andy how he was able to exercise these tenets as we worked through them, he had shared that he had reached such a low point in his life that he had no choice but to, “‘try and commit his ways to the Lord.” He explained that what started out as a, “I have nothing to lose”, thought process, became his salvation. Psalm 37:5 reads, “Commit your way to the Lord and trust in Him and He will act.” He went on to explain that his choices later in life weren’t bearing any fruit so he, ‘might as well let God take the wheel.” Jeremiah 29:11 reads, For I know the plans I have for you, ‘declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,” It was clear to me that Andy had come to live as scripture calls us to and was realizing its faithfulness with each step and breath. Since our time together, Andy has come to understand the tenets of trust and lives joyfully by them, let’s have a look at what they each mean:

1. UNDERSTANDING

It is important to listen and gain insight into [understand] other people, what drives them and what is in their heart. Jesus knew each of his disciples and who he could/could not trust with what. Do you know what matters to the people in your life - whether at work or in your personal relationships? It is human tendency to want to control and manipulate how people around us should feel/react, sometimes we don’t even realize we do it. We are quick to pull out our own moral compass, measure and attempt to customize to our liking [change them]. It is important to resist the urge and come to know the people in our lives for who they are and not who we want them to be. There is difference in brain activity depending on whether we trust conditionally or unconditionally, more trust results in increased oxytocin in our brain. When we trust, the brain opens up, i.e., you open up to others and become willing to take the first step, thereby elevating our own mental health. Proverbs 4:7 - tells us to get wisdom, get understanding so we may come to proclaim victory.

2. CHARACTER

Assess basic character traits, this is the bedrock of trust. Do you find the people in your life to live a life of honesty, transparency, integrity (being/doing the same in public and private), high morals, etc.? Without these traits, we cannot have trust. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have heard people tell me that they are working through habitual lying from people in their life. If you can’t believe a person, what is there to move forward on? We need to be able to trust that someone’s personal traits can deliver on what we have entrusted to them. I remember one of my roles in Corporate America. I had a leader who interviewed great, she answered all my questions to my satisfaction (interview - whether as the employee or employer should go both ways, we need to know and be accepting of one another.) She knew how to say what her audience wanted to hear. She was so conditioned to lying that the harm she brought unto others along the way did not matter. So, for me to be successful I knew I could not rely on her leadership. “For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7) Heart in this instance means - innermost thoughts, motives, and attitudes, all things we too should be looking at to avoid being misled.

3. ABILITY

Do the people in your life have the ability to deliver what you are trusting them with? The people in your life can be great, fun, smart but can they give what the relationship calls them to? I had a friend who really liked this girl. She was beautiful, funny, adventurous, had overall great credentials, but she had a very bad vice that undoubtedly would prevent her from being a good wife and mother he didn’t want to see it. He insisted there were more positive traits than negative, so he married her. Her vice was unforgiving and destroyed them, 5 years later, they divorced, faced bankruptcy, and a vicious custody battle. People can deliver many goods but if they can’ t deliver what the relationships require it is non-negotiable.

4. MOTIVE

It is equally important we understand the motives of those in our lives. An employer can be motivated by your subject matter expertise, execution and delivery, but if your personal relationships are motivated by the same, you may have a problem. People in our lives should not be motivated by only their own self-interest. We are called to, “Be kind and helpful to one another, tender-hearted [compassionate, understanding], forgiving one another [readily and freely], just as God in Christ also forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32.

5. TRACK RECORD

The bottom line is this, past performance is an indicator of what you can expect. When we trust someone, we place ourselves in a vulnerable position. As the relationship unfolds it is inevitable that you may experience trials, listen closely to how they are resolved and how you are treated in the midst of them. My mom always says, listen to people the first time they tell you who they are. My husband and I had someone in our life whom we dearly loved, but with time we accepted our relationship wasn't healthy. We were placing a level of unearned trust in them. We were so hopeful and forgiving of all the betrayal because of the ties that bind us. We refused to see that she was motivated by what people in her life provided – whether it be company when she felt alone or other material support, she required. If you were taking care of her needs, she poured love. If she didn’t require anything of you at the time, we were suddenly at odds. She would cover us with gossip and betrayal each time. Proverbs 11:13 says, “A gossip betrays confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret”. We were tolerant, she would flow in and out of our lives depending on her needs. It took major life events to play out for us to accept her track record of seeking benefits for herself, not the relationship.

Reality is that trust is built slowly over time, it does not come by way of titles, DNA or other. We must be attuned to our relationships, there is no greater substitute than mastering these tenets. We must take the time to get to know one another through conversation. Conversation is an art, and intimacy is an essential element of trust. Intimate conversation includes learning to share, asking open-ended questions to learn about each other [not just talk about ourselves], and following up in order to deepen connections. Practice sharing [be wise what you choose to start with], ask questions and watch trust flow as you express compassion and empathy for one another. You have to spend time with people in order to earn their trust. “Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble” (Proverbs 17:17).

It is important to also realize that even when you master these essentials you may still experience betrayal, we hurt each other, it is part of life. Sometimes unintentionally and sometimes not. While it is difficult to re-establish trust it can be done. Scripture tells us that we build trust by being faithful in little things, “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much.”  (Luke 16:10)

How to build and rebuild trust is a journey, it sounds easy, but it takes support and encouragement. Together we can conquer this quest. Click Here to view my services and HERE to book a free introductory call.  Until then, I pray to God to reveal to you the strength He has bestowed onto you to allow you to be consistent, trustworthy, and close to the people he has placed in your life. “11 I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— 12 that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. (Romans 1)

Your friend and life coach,

Isabel Plasencia